Putting the ‘Ho in Holiday

Okay, I know some of you have been reading my last few LisaLands thinking “Yadda, yadda, yadda, glad you’re fine; I want to hear about the dating disasters.” Well, you’re in luck. Now that I’m feeling pretty settled in Charlotte, I set out to meet someone the old-fashioned way, I joined the dating site Zoosk in January. 😉 I’d never tried it before, but it’s said to be one of the better ones, which is kind of like saying one root canal is superior to another. It does have a decent algorithm based on people I swipe on – I slowly saw fewer guys who came up to my knee-caps, fewer men closer in age to my dad, and fewer who lived two hours away in the snowy mountains (so done with that weather). Apparently, I was fresh meat since I’d never been on the site, nor had any of the guys from around here seen me on other sites. The response I got was a bit overwhelming at times, as I know I’m not all that, and like in marketing, not every interaction results in a sale. 😉 I’m also not unaware of the fact that I’m probably the thinnest I’ve ever been as an adult (and we know I use the term ‘adult’ loosely, ‘thin’ too, for that matter) – hello super healthy eating and less headaches.

I did learn a lot. Such as, pictures lie. Either that or some guys gained 40 pounds and turned gray overnight (which happened more than once). I would be okay with either, I just don’t like surprises – makes me wonder if he forgot something else, like if he’s still married or serving time.

Speaking of pictures, if they aren’t smiling in any of them, they may be missing a tooth. Yes, I’m shallow, but if you tell me you’re in sales, and appear to be financially stable, why in the world don’t you replace your missing TOP FRONT TOOTH??? Or address it during the date – “Sorry, I knocked out a tooth while sumo wrestling this weekend, I’m waiting for the implant”? I am way too immature for that – I couldn’t hear a word he said as I was concentrating on not staring at the gap the entire evening.

Looks aside, some of the pictures they chose could not have been more unflattering and/or creepy. One guy was sitting on a confederate flag beach towel in one shot (I guess that’s one way to make sure no African American women respond) and was in the shower doing a weird tongue on lips thing in another – at least the picture was just from the chest (again bare) up.

Another guy looked downright scary/threatening (even my dad thought so, and if you’ve seen my brother – we know what scary looks like). And it was his only picture. Plus, he hadn’t written anything about himself. I’d really like to meet any women who responded favorably to him. If they lived to tell about it.

Then there was a Fabio, with his long blonde locks blowing gently in the wind, reclining on his side in a field with two giant pumpkins – fortunately that’s not a euphemism.

There were tons of shirtless shots and pictures in the gym. If they just want to show they work out, fine, but I don’t think most women are thinking “Ooh, he sweats! That’s exactly what I’m looking for.” And apparently, if you owned a motorcycle, a monster truck, or a muscle car, it must be in a picture. I was not aware of this rule.

I realized after dates with guys who were 6’7”, 6’6”, and 6’4” I’m a bit of a height ‘ho.

One 50-something said he lived in an “RV Resort” for 14 months. And it was all his ex-wife’s fault, because she disagreed with how to help their drug addicted daughter, so she cleaned out his bank account. Pass.

Another:

Him:  I was just trying to show you I have a good heart.

Me:  That’d be one of us. Mine’s cold as a rock. Or dead as a stone. You decide. (In hindsight, I should have used an emoji here.)

Him:  Not sure what that means but I have a hammer and I hope to break you.

Me:  Game. On. (I thought this was hilarious/bantering.)

Him:  Why are you so hard? I won’t hurt you. I’m not about hurt. I’m about love. Come on lady.

Me:  …

 

I also appreciated any time I didn’t get his joke or even realize it was supposed to be a joke, he came back with “I thought you had a sense of humor.” Yes, blaming me and/or accusing me of being untruthful is a surefire aphrodisiac. Next.

I learned I’m truly in the bible belt. Unlike the Midwest’s attitude of actions speak louder than words when it comes to religion, down here it seems many of the guys wanted to make sure you knew they were religious, usually in CAPS. One guy said he attended church weekly and expected you to do the same. Oh, there’s only one right way to worship and you’re the expert?  Hopefully he’ll pray for me. 😉

I had a 26-year-old reach out to me – um, mommy issues?

Another told me if I’m going to text him, to focus as he’s not in to serial dating. He then complimented me on my picture taken on the slopes (there isn’t one that is even remotely close) and asked when I was moving to Charlotte, even though I’d clearly stated I’d been here since last August. Who needs to focus???

And the current guy and I have our own language barrier. He’s always “fixing to” but nothing is broken. He doesn’t like to be called “ornery” (he is) but happily admits he likes “aggravating” me. I never fully grasped the meaning of “rurnt.” Eat and eight sounded identical, as did Oakley and ugly, and fail and fell. Somehow “all right” becomes “uh-ight” when he says it. Evidently it can rain faster than you can pour piss out of a boot – I had to take his word on that one. But “one thing for sure and two things for certain,” I have mastered the many facets of “Bless your heart”. 😃

 

To read another dating disaster, feel free to go to https://lisaland.me/2019/06/08/lisaland-soaking-wet/.

For those of you wondering, yes, I still love Charlotte – come on down! I’m thankful for all the visitors I had this year, my parents even came down for the month of February and that went well, although I suspect Mo would have helped them with their luggage when they were leaving if he had opposable thumbs. I also managed trips to New York, Michigan several times, Louisville-Gurnee-Chicago in one weekend (it seemed like a good idea at the time), and Chicago for both work and play.

May your holidays resemble love at first sight and not the blind date from #*%%.