Day 1
7:00 am – What do you mean Vodka isn’t part of a “clear liquid diet”??
12:30 pm – Took two Bisacodyl tablets thinking what could go wrong? They’re not supposed to kick in for 6-12 hours.
2:30 pm – Took the other two, no problem.
3:45 pm – Um, why am I vibrating? Time to head home. Plus I’m getting meaner than usual from hunger.
4:28 pm – Please let me not throw up while driving.
4:38 pm – Practically shit myself as I walked in the door. Mo hid.
5:00 pm – Glass One. Couldn’t I have saved a lot of money and just drank the lemon scented Pine Sol I already have instead of this Tri-Lyte crap?
5:10 – 5:14 pm – Glass Two. This was tougher even though the mixture was colder. After I drank the last glass, I poured the next one and put it in the freezer to be extra cold thinking how smart I was. That made it too cold to drink in one chug. I’m not smart. Threw up an ounce or two. Practiced breathing like I was in labor and then finished the rest of the vile concoction.
5:25 pm – Drank Glass Three while sitting on the toilet. It just seemed more efficient.
5:39 pm – Glass Four was less eventful but not less awful.
5:42 pm – It’s a warm day. My bathroom window is open. Anyone walking by who happens to hear the sounds my body is making is probably going to call the police.
6:02 pm – How can I be nauseous and hungry at the same time?
6:05 pm – Glass Five. Drink. Shit. Drink. Shit. I’m sensing a pattern here.
6:14 pm – Ever tried to not puke while sneezing? I don’t recommend it, but I guess it’s better than puking WHILE sneezing.
6:19 pm – Glass Six. Whoever said it’s not that bad, lied. And they will pay for their sins.
6:28 pm – For fuck’s sake, now my nose is running.
6:30 pm – Glass Seven. I am sucking on a throat lozenge briefly after each chug to eliminate some of the solvent taste from my mouth. It was either that or candle wax – with the candle still burning.
6:35 pm – And now I’m shaking because I’m so cold.
6:42 pm – I’m glad I have a small condo or I’d have some clean-up in aisle five to do.
7:05 pm – I somehow drank Glass Eight. Just as nasty as the first. The instructions are to drink 8 oz. every 10-20 minutes until you’ve drank eight cups/2 liters. I did the math and figured I could be done by 6: 10 pm. As you’ll notice when looking at the intervals between drinks, I started stretching out those 10 minutes quite a bit due to dread and wimpy-ness. It also helped a teeny weeny bit with the nausea.
7:07 pm – Is it really less than 10 hours before this hell starts again?
7:17 pm – Jesus Christ! I just looked in the toilet and I swear to God it is lemon yellow. And possibly radioactive. What’s in that crap – Uranium?
7:19 pm – I have the hiccups.
7:23 pm – Well hello, cramps.
7:57 pm – Should I be timing my dumps like contractions?
9:26 pm – I wonder if the man who invented this prep (and yes, I firmly believe it’s a man – women know you never want to ingest anything reminiscent of Pledge) is the same one who invented pantyhose, advanced algebra and line dancing.
9:33 pm – For once Mo is happy to not be on my lap and refuses to make eye contact after what he’s seen so far this evening.
9:37 pm – The phrase “Can’t stop, won’t stop” suddenly has a new, sinister edge to it.
9:49 pm – I wonder if I’ll ever wear pants again.
10:54 pm – We’ll see how this sleep thing works out. Mo has chosen to remain on the couch. Coward.
Day 2
3:00 am –I determine it’s not working out all that well.
5:00 am – Glass One. What fresh hell is this? Seriously, nothing good comes at this hour.
5:08 am – I weighed myself. I lost 157 pounds, it appears to all be in my elbows.
5:11 am – Glass Two. Nope, not any better.
5:25 am – Glass Three. Kill. Me.
5:37 am – Glass Four. Piece of cake. If cake were vile, horrible, nasty and concocted by mad scientists.
5:38 am – And now we wait.
5:44 am – Almost grabbed the facial exfoliating wipes by accident. That would NOT have ended well.
6:03 am – So cold. You know how people say “Well, it’s still better than a day at the office”? Not always.
6:40 am – Dear, sweet, unsuspecting Christine arrived to take me to the Evanston hospital. Truly the hostess with the mostess she was even able to supply me with a blanket for the ride.
7:08 am – Walking to the gastroenterology lab, I realized my hunger was affecting my reading when I saw “Center for Breakfast” rather than “Center for Breast Health.” The disappointment was real.
7:09 am – Checked in. Barely resisted the urge to point to Christine and say “Take her instead!”
7:11 am – Christine handed me a scarf from her Mary Poppins valise.
7:25 am – The 60 & 70-yr-old couple’s crowd strolls in. I judge them.
7:30 am – My name is called and I begin the Green Mile.
7:31 am – Nehru comes in to take my vitals and review current medications. She never looked at me the same again.
7:50 am – Nehru temporarily replaced my mother in my affections when she placed a warm blanket over the thin, virtually see-through, pretend one I was already using. As the blanket cools, so do my affections and Mom is back in place. It was really only for a nanosecond, Mom.
8:05 am – The doctor informed me sometimes tearing or punctures can occur during the procedure. I told him not to do that to me today. Apparently he wasn’t expecting my response but he said he’d try. Yeah, I felt tons better after that.
8:24 am – Justin said while it was not an amusement park ride, he did take requests and then promptly refused me when I asked him to do some wheelies as he rolled my gurney to the procedure room. Justin is a tease.
8:27 am – Even though the rest of the room agreed the overhead Salsa music made one want a margarita, Justin informed me it was really Flamenco, not Salsa music. I am disappointed with Justin and his overbearing ways.
8:28 am – Doc asked me to confirm I was here for a colonoscopy screening. Unwilling and unable to stop myself I said “A WHAT?!?” as I widened my eyes and half-rose. His eyes got bigger. I laughed. The rest of the room laughed. He asked if the anesthesiologist had put me up to that. Um, you’re welcome to think that since you’ll be the one with the wand.
8:28 am – The anesthesiologist explained the drug would sting as it entered my hand. Quite the understatement, Karen. She said it would only last for about 30 seconds.
8:28:30 am – Hello darkness, my old friend.
8:54 am – Back in my room or an identical looking one (what do I know, I’m on drugs.) The doctor stopped by to tell me I was normal. I made sure the nurses heard him say that and ignored their insinuations it simply referred to my results. Christine later informed them she knew the truth.
8:57 am – Donna tries to make me fart. I’m fine, thank you.
9:01 am – Donna tries again. Seriously, don’t you have anything better to do? I’m fine. I ask to take my pulse monitor off as the beeping has gotten old and I’ve been at 60 for the last 15 minutes. She refuses. I silently declare war on Donna.
9:04 am – The monitor starts beeping louder with the pulse and she accused me of trying to take it off myself. Surprisingly, I had not, but it just proved the monitor didn’t feel it was necessary, either.
9:11 am – As Donna attempts to have me roll to my other side she pokes and prods my stomach and realizes actually, for probably the only time in my life, I am not gassy. Being full of hot air is another matter.
9:16 am – Animal crackers and high fructose syrup cranberry juice – no wonder kids behave the way they do.
9:25 am – Finally released from captivity to the watchful care of Christine.
10:07 am – Home sweet home. I contemplate dumping the remaining solution down the drain but I am concerned it will eat through my pipes.
Postscript:
3:17 pm – Ten years from now, if they have not greatly improved or replaced the Tri-Lyte (aka Die-right?) I will demand the ‘twilight drip’ begin simultaneously when the prep starts. Mo remains wary. But all said, it’s better than getting colon cancer, which is very treatable when caught early. Well I assume it is, hopefully I’ll never have to find out. I am also told my experience was worse than many people’s. Seriously, THIS is where I overachieve?
Thanks for reading.
lisaland.me 